Have Better Arguments Thanks to the Rubber Band Ball Metaphor

Never heard of it before? Well, you’ll learn today. Or something.

So You’re Having an Argument…

Let me guess. They say something about a thing you did or said that you don’t remember, but it still hurts. You respond with, “and YOU did THIS to ME! I should be the one hurt right now.”

And the argument goes in circles, with both individuals suffering from each other’s hurtful words, but feeling all the more antagonized and aggravated by this back-and-forth and engaging with it as it spirals down to a hellish experience.

You walk away, hurt, confused, and even angrier than when the argument first started. Maybe there are tears involved.

That, right there…that’s an unresolved argument, probably one of the most common kinds of arguments we have.

Good Arguments Take Practice

An issue that often affects arguments is their disorganization. You’re speaking from your feelings, so taking the time to gather your thoughts might not be something you have the mind to in the moment. Staying coherent in the heat of a fight is pretty tough. If you’re wondering about that, The Oatmeal does a great job of explaining it in this comic.

More than that, there’s a depth of emotion that can come up in an argument that you might not be used to dealing with. Old resentments crop up, and the need to unload them on the person you’re fighting with can be really appealing. Petty impulses are pretty natural, if you ask me.

The thing is, if all of your fights only ever end in volleying your ever-increasing laundry list of wrongs done to you, nothing will get resolved. It’s hard to move forward when all you’re doing is throwing the ball of wrongdoings back and forth between you and the person you’re arguing with.

Making an argument productive takes practice. It takes a whole lot of patience and just as much experimentation to find healthy communication, and to understand even why you’re having a fight in the first place. Even as I write this, I can sometimes still be in the heat of a fight before realizing what we’re actually arguing about. It takes practice. And this is where the rubber band ball metaphor comes into play.

The Metaphor of the Rubber Band Ball

I’m sure you’ve seen one before—you can otherwise check out this article’s cover pic to get an idea of what I’m talking about. The metaphor comes from French, where “se renvoyer la balle” literally translates to passing the ball. It’s used to describe a situation where no one takes responsibility and passes it over to someone else instead.

Now, imagine this ball being made out of individual rubber bands, and each of those rubber bands being an issue, a hurt, a resentment, an angry observation, etc. Just as the accumulation of rubber bands forms one big, strong ball, so do your arguments come together to form one big ball of resentment that is very hard to take apart.

Passing each other the ball of issues is what makes these arguments circular. It’s easier to do it that way—you don’t need to take the time to look at anything specific, and instead just throw the ball with another comeback, volleying insults and arguments back and forth, making that rubber band ball grow with every new argument and insult. Generally, when you’re fighting with someone, you’re fighting about more than one thing. Until you realize what’s going on in your communication, old resentments will be triggered by a new occurrence, even if it may seem to be totally unrelated to anything else. Passing the ball will be the only thing you do in a fight if you don’t take the time to do better.

If you want this argument to move forward in any way, you need to stop throwing that ball. In fact, stop throwing the ball. Hold it in your hands, and grab onto the first rubber band of a problem. Start small.

To Do Better, Start Small

Passing that big ball of resentment is probably the most normal way of fighting. It’s easy, right? So when you decide you want to fight differently and you’re looking at your built-up rubber band ball of problems, it looks overwhelming. Too big to tackle.

So don’t pick the ball up again. Instead, start small.

Starting small will help you work through the many layers of built-up resentments. And maybe that first rubber band will lead to you needing to pull out 2–3 more from that big ball—there can be interrelation between different issues. It’s never the whole ball of issues, though it may all have some kind of link.

But starting small means tackling what is most present with you. It starts with “right now, I’m feeling…” and the conversation can focus exclusively on that. Doing so, you’ll be able to slowly but surely break down each one of your issues, and see where they may connect in the large scheme of things. Ultimately, working on individual issues is the way to finding resolution on a larger scale.

Understanding the Metaphor

A lot of different eastern spiritualities talk about our emotions as being a reaction. In essence, everything we do is in reaction—whether desire or aversion—to everything else going on. That itch you’re scratching in your sleep is a reaction, just as a baby crying for food is a reaction, or the exhilaration of winning a race.

Each of these reactions, good or bad, build up your personality…and your resilience. Each of these reactions can even be one more rubber band added to the ball, adding weight and volume to your emotions, even more so in the heat of the moment.

You’re gonna react, no doubt about it. You’re gonna have emotions, thoughts, opinions, topped with a few tears, and probably mixed in with a heavy dose of righteousness. That’s all normal.

Your reactions are not what you can help. How you address them is. So take that dang rubber band ball of issues and start with the first band you can pull off. And every time you do it, you’ll always come back to a smaller ball. By the end of it, you’ll only be dealing with individual rubber bands. No more ball to pass on.