The Art and Ethics of Social Engineering
When social engineering is done with ethics and integrity, it isn’t manipulative.
When it’s done for selfish and secretive reasons, though, we can definitely call it manipulation.
(True) scenario: a neurodivergent child needs support in pacing through their day and moving onto the next activity. Doing it disruptively makes the day harder on everyone, so I rarely resort to “making” them do anything.
Most of the time, we operate on agreements and timers with several reminders before transitioning. Sometimes, their focus is too great to break, or their response is more contrarian. That is when I social engineer them.
For example: one morning I promise to give them a second Oreo snack at some point in the day. I don’t use specifics, and instead use the desired snack as an incentive to move forward. Later in the day, I have the snack in hand, a child resistant to leaving, and an appointment we need to leave for now. I effectively disrupt their activity by reminding them of the Oreo and sending them to get their shoes on. Seconds later, we’re out the front door and loading into the car.
No, it wasn’t a bribe in the proper sense. It was something I’d already committed to them, no holds barred. They would get it no matter what, and it wasn’t serving as a reward. But I’d put some small contingencies on when and where they eat it.
I made use of it twice that day, to tackle moments of natural resistance. The child didn’t feel attacked, stayed calm, didn’t throw a tantrum, because they trusted me to follow through on my promise to give it to them. They also trusted me to know when to draw a line for them, and social engineering is but one tool I use to facilitate challenging moments for the child.
Social engineering is the art of establishing boundaries and setting someone up for success without it being forced upon them. Instead, it’s engineered into existence. I create scenarios within which I can help someone — child or adult — improve themselves in a low impact situation. The biggest issue with it is the risk of abuse.
I social engineer my husband, as he’s told me before. My goal isn’t to transform him into the perfect slave or spouse, though. I’m not manipulating him into doing my bidding (well, sometimes I am, but it’s exaggerated and absurd, and he’s onto me now). I’m not trying to make my life easier for selfish reasons, but rather because I want us all to function with respect to each other, and I have the greatest amount of resources to help us all get there together. It’s gentle guidance to a healthy relationship.
It means understanding each other better. It means asking questions, trying to get to the root cause of a problematic behavior. Why was the child resisting doing X? How can I help them achieve X? Why do I feel like we really need to achieve X?
It’s observing personal motivations as much as the other person’s behaviors. It’s holding the keys to a knowledge and a control over others that, although daunting and a huge responsibility, is also a beautiful gift.
