The Burden of Holding Boundaries
I say “no” a lot. I also cut people out of my life when I deem it necessary, including close family members. Thing is, being the one holding a boundary sucks ass.
No One Seems to Teach Us the Art of “No”
It’s not something many people are raised with, but that seems to be changing a little at a time: I’ve explored the theme extensively with fellow educators in alternative learning environments. It’s also a major point of focus—under the umbrella concept of “consent”—when I’m working with kids, both in formal and informal situations.
Saying “no” is incredibly hard, especially when we’re not raised with that ability. That’s why it’s such an important topic in educational circles, especially when dealing with multicultural groups of children, as the cultural baseline for consent is very different from one place to another.
In Brazil, “no” isn’t really a thing, for example. It’s a ploy, it’s a seduction tool, it’s a term that shocks and offends locals. When I lived there in 2015, men would be genuinely surprised that my “no” was emphatic enough to get my point across. They’d still argue with me about giving them a kiss, or they’d ignore all of my verbal and nonverbal cues and try to plant one on me anyway. Even Brazilian family members would get confused and offended when I’d say no to being invited out for one activity or another. It’s just not done.
Boundaries Begin With “No”
I was raised with a loving mother who still struggles to this day with the art of saying no. One of our last big arguments, from several years ago, started because she regretted not saying no to me in the first place, and rather than own up to that truth, she nitpicked until I exploded and a fight ensued.
Imagine how much easier life would be if you had the ability to say a simple “no” and stand strong in it. I can tell you from personal experience that conversations where my mom says no end much more quickly and peacefully than when she regrets saying yes.
Thing is, you also need to know how to listen to yourself; saying no means being comfortable with drawing a line. It also means being comfortable dealing with the outcome of saying no, because even if a refusal may come easily to you, the person receiving the refusal may have a reaction that makes you backtrack.
Standing strong in the face of someone’s upset at your “no”—or any other form of boundary-setting—is an incredibly exhausting burden to bear.
I Am Responsible For My Own Boundaries…
Drawing a line, setting a boundary, can be an entirely irrational thing. There’s not much to define right from wrong when it comes to boundaries. And yet they’re necessary to healthy and holistic coexistence.
My husband and I needed to navigate our differences (and still do), each of us setting different boundaries to build a healthy foundation for our relationship. My oldest friends have all told me no, set a limit, explained how my behavior wasn’t OK to them at some point or another in our friendship.
On the flip side, there are many instances where I’d try to set a boundary and rather than a willingness to work with me and be mindful of whatever limit was drawn, the only response I’d get was derision and continued disrespect. (Their response had little to do with me and everything to do with them, but I’d pay the price nonetheless, and a boundary needed to be drawn.)
When that happens, I’m facing a basic conundrum: is the person’s reaction more important than my need to draw a line?
…And Holding Other People Accountable to My Boundaries Too
After much experimentation, the answer is an emphatic “my boundary matters more.” Doesn’t mean that it’s easy though, by any means.
Unfortunately, when you start setting limits on what people can do to you, how people can relate to you, and what you’ll accept from anyone close to you (or even, close enough), the probability of needing to cut people out of your life—temporarily or permanently—increases.
Thing is, if what you’re dealing with are people who don’t care about your boundaries, then you need to hold them accountable for your own sake. And it’s an energy-intensive experience, especially starting out and with the people closest to you.
Boundaries Are Not Control—They’re About Relating to “Me”
In a textual argument with a relative a year ago, I faced someone trying to police my words and my interaction with them. Rather than establish a boundary with me—i.e. telling me “I don’t want to talk about it” from the start, or at any point in the crescendoing exchange—they tried to control me and tell me how I was allowed to speak to, well, anyone.
My response wasn’t the kindest, motivated by exhaustion, frustration, and exasperation at feeling infantilized, so I’ll definitely admit to playing a part in the escalation of conflict. But also—my response was me trying to establish my own limits: “I won’t change how I speak, but I invite you to tell me when you don’t want to talk about something.”
Therein lies the difference in our interaction; they wanted to tell me “how” to speak. I wanted them to tell me “what” we could speak of. They were controlling, I was establishing parameters of our conversation.
Boundaries Exist Within Our Communication
It is by communicating, verbally, that we can get a point across. Any point, in fact, including what limits we have and why we may have them. (If you want to give an explanation, which is a choice only you can make.)
It takes practice, to set a boundary constructively. It requires trying, over and over again, until the words fit just so and the people you’re facing understand you on the first—or second—try.
The ability to set a boundary comes with self-awareness. You need a clear understanding of both what you’re completely OK with and when that okay-ness shifts. It’s a requirement to set healthy boundaries.
When my husband makes jokes, I usually laugh. When he’s taken a joke too far, I’d get upset. We’ve navigated that shift together and found both the situations where this issue can come up, as well as what is the most effective response I can give to tackle the situation head-on. In the early days, I’d stalk off and need a solid half hour (to several hours) to cool off. Now? The last time it happened was months ago, and I told him point blank “I’m angry at you.”
Live a Happier Life By Drawing the Line
Conflict arises. Overstepping boundaries happens even in the best relationships. Every day, we’re navigating being in relationship with other people who all carry their own baggage, their own preferences, their own discomfort and likes and dislikes and needs and loves and passions.
Being in relationship with other people means that we’re all trying to find a sense of balance while still making room for “me” within it all.
The simplest way to achieve that is by understanding where each person’s line is. By learning the art of boundary-setting, you’ll lift the people around you up; as you learn to set limits for yourself, you’ll naturally find out where other people’s limits live. And when that happens, they’ll naturally develop a greater self-awareness.
Boundary-setting has a snowball effect, ultimately benefitting much more than you.
Give it a try. Start drawing the line.
