We All Feel, and That’s OK
The rainbow of emotions one goes through at any given moment is more colorful than any of our actual rainbows, if you can believe it.
Not too long ago, I was faced with the reality (read: the announcement) that one of my contracts wasn’t going to be continued past the next few weeks.
Cue panic, resentment, anger, a lot of petty impulsions, and even a few tears shed mostly in private. I was crushed for a variety of reasons, from the sadness that I wasn’t actually a long-term part of the “family” that my office represented, to the acknowledgement that past the next few weeks, I didn’t actually have an “office” to go to anymore. My routine was going to change, and I wasn’t particularly happy with that reality right then and there.
My emotions were running wild, and leaning towards aggressive, angry, and petty behavior. Oh, the things I felt almost righteous enough to say!
…but I didn’t.
No, instead, I took the time to step back from the situation at hand, and let my emotions run wild without allowing them to be pettily directed toward any of my colleagues.
Feeling is OK, but Reacting Isn’t (Always)
Oh, I wanted to lash out.
I was feeling bad, and I wanted to leave that office with everyone else feeling if just an ounce of my wretched emotions. But instead, I went for a quick private chat with a colleague, shed some tears, was reminded of our friendship beyond the office, and received a warm, comforting, and motherly hug before heading back to work.
Although my negative and toxic impulsions were still there, I chose to not act upon them—no one controls how I feel, me included, but I can definitely control how I react. I may consider myself the victim of a perceived wrong (even if it’s just for a split second), but feeling that way doesn’t actually entitle me to act out in reaction.
Feelings come from somewhere deep within our psyche. A child falls and promptly starts crying. A friend says a throwaway comment and you spend the next week obsessing over their words. You watch the Titanic and find yourself bawling at the end even as you maybe criticize the protagonists. As a woman, when that time of the month comes around, I’ve even found myself bawling at a badly-animated cartoon death scene because it had some sad music playing—even I was confused by that one.
We can’t help how we feel. Sometimes, we can’t even help outwardly expressing those emotions, as my tears of sadness over losing my contract demonstrate. What we can control, however, is how those emotions make us react to the situation and the people around.
Feeling is one thing. Reacting based on those feelings is something else entirely, and it’s a distinction we often forget to make.
The World Is Constantly Reacting to Something
One of the most impactful things someone ever shared with me was S.N. Goenka’s evening discourse in my first-ever Vipassana course: We’re living in a state of constant reaction.
The mosquito that comes bite you in the middle of the night that you swipe away? That’s a reaction.
The sales ad that convinces you to go into a store to buy that new piece of clothing/technology/jewellery? That’s a reaction.
That sensation in your belly when it “grumbles” and tells you you’re hungry? That’s a reaction.
He continues to say how all of these reactions can fit into one of two categories: desire or aversion.
I (Don’t) Want
That mosquito helping itself to your blood hurts, so the reaction of swatting it away is one of aversion—I don’t like feeling like this, so I’m going to try to do something to stop feeling this way.
The sales ad that convinces you to go into a store is creating a reaction of desire—I see something and it’s making me feel like my life will be better if I get this. I want it.
The stomach grumbling is usually followed by sensations of weakness and maybe brain fog for some—I don’t like feeling like that, and I might enjoy the sensory experience that food brings me. I don’t want my stomach to grumble anymore and I want a positive sensory experience.
Want. Don’t Want. Ultimately, it’s simply a reaction.
What I loved the most about this saying is how S.N. Goenka describes these reactions as being fundamentally instinctual, but something that we can transcend.
Transcending Reaction and Making it a Decision
Ultimately, the avergae Joe won’t ever want to fully transcend the life of desire and aversion—only the most ascetic and spiritual strive for that, and few succeed in fully removing reaction entirely.
What the average Joe can do, however, is to make a conscious decision (almost) every time you react to something—is this a healthy reaction? Does it feel strongly aligned with your worldview and ethics? If you hesitate a single second in answering those questions, the answer will probably turn out to be “no.”
The more you take a moment to think and ask yourself these important questions before reacting, the less it’ll be a pure reaction and the more it’ll be a decision to react.
The Personal Example of Me
As a teenager, and even going into my early 20s, I was one hell of a petty person. I’m observant and remember stuff that sometimes my friends wish I’d forget. And my petty impulsions would usually mean my being more “honest” than warranted, and ultimately sabotaging a person’s self-esteem or throwing a little tidbit of themselves in their face. It wasn’t pretty, and it usually did exactly the damage I expected it to do.
Yeah, I wasn’t always nice growing up, and I was sometimes triggered by someone’s behavior and would lash out as a reaction.
My lashing out usually came from “I’m feeling bad, and I need to feel better, if only for a split second.” Something mean would come out, the person would stare at me with a stricken look on their face, I’d feel proud of my comeback for a few minutes before promptly going back to my angry mindset and, once my emotions simmered down, feel a whole lot of guilt about my cruelty, whether it was warranted or not (it never really is, no matter what you believe).
My negative, aversion-inspired reactions were unkind, even verging on cruel at times. I felt righteous, and thus felt like I was entitled to speak my mind and say what I had to say because that’s how I felt.
Righteousness as a Reaction
Going back to my work situation: I was hurt, and the first thought that popped up was one filled with some fairly cruel and unwarranted comments. But that’s emotion, not reaction.
No, the reaction would have been in response to the thought that kept trying to tell me that I was entitled to say my piece, too, and throw back all of my hurt and disappointment in my client’s face. I was hurt, and that supposedly allowed me to hurt my client back.
It’s often hard to make the distinction between feeling and reaction because they’re so closely related. But, at least for negative responses, the first signal that I’m tempted to have a reaction is when righteousness boils up inside of me.
“How dare s/he?”
“He said that, so I can say this.”
“It’s my turn now.”
If you’re feeling righteous, then you’re probably about to say something that shouldn’t be voiced right then and there.
“Think Before You Speak”
I can’t tell you how many times someone said this to me, from parents to friends to employers.
The thing is, I never fully grasped the value of this very simple piece of advice because my first response was always one of righteousness to those words.
“How dare s/he?!”
In hindsight, those words are at the heart of my closing thought: you can’t away from reacting, but taking a moment to think about what you’re reacting to, why you’re reacting to it, and whether that reaction will ultimately provide some kind of positive feedback to the situation at hand, is the long-winded advice of “think before you speak.”
Take a moment to step back from your emotions:
- You’re feeling stuff. OK.
- What are you feeling?
- Why are those feelings arising? Are you hurt? Are you angry? Are you worried? Are you afraid? Are you sad? Are you trying to protect yourself from something?
- What do you want to say?
- Why do you want to say that (or those) thing(s)? Is it ultimately because you’re feeling bad and want to make someone else feel bad? Is it because you’re the victim and they’re the persecutor?
And the most important question: Is what you have to say genuinely constructive?
To Conclude
Although I’m learning about this still and occasionally fail at catching my own pettiness and reactions, focusing on moving the conversation forward has helped me learn to express myself more intentionally.
I can’t control what other people say to me. I can’t control even how my emotions arise in response to what people say to me. But I can control how I respond to them.
Acknowledging the one thing that I can genuinely control almost every time I’m talking to someone has been the greatest help in my journey of personal growth—my petty impulsions are still alive and well inside of me, but that’s the only place they’ll ever live from here on out.
I consciously choose not to lash out simply because I’m feeling bad and don’t particularly like what’s going on. Lashing out will only reflect badly on me in the end, alienate me from those relationships that matter to me, and leave me feeling as bad as I did before, or—worse—living in a constant state of righteousness, which ultimately means existing in a negative stasis.
Transcend your impulsive reactions and make the decision to respond differently. That’s where true power lives.
