When kids stare, stare back.
Something magical happens when you do.
After twenty years working with kids, I’ve come to learn a few beautiful things about them.
Kids are spectacular. In many ways, they’re still blank canvases filled to the brim with life and energy that I know I’ve lost to some degree as I got older and phased into adulthood.
That said, they can also sometimes have seemingly odd or uncomfortable behaviors. From entirely terrifying comments about a parent’s pending death — there’s something ominous about a small voice solemnly and graphically discussing your death with you — to all the “fun” big feelings kids discover for the first time, sometimes in public, it’s not always easy being a kid’s grown-up.
One of my favorite “odd” things about kids – and there are many more than any single article could discuss – is their uninhibited staring at people who intrigue them.
It’s uncomfortable, being stared at.
Having modeled in the nude for various artists and photographers in my early twenties, I speak from first-hand experience. It was a process to let go of my nerves, and another process to become aware that, though most artists looked at me through a lens of shapes, light, and shadows, some would experience and express sexual excitement at my nudity, just with their eyes.
“The eyes are the window to the soul,” and they’re definitely an impressive vehicle of communication. Whether it’s expressing sexual or physical attraction for someone, being uncomfortable, curious, interested, amused, sad, or just about any other emotions under the sun.
With children, it’s the exact same thing, but also not.
These experiences commonly occur in public spaces; taking a bus, a train, having a coffee at a shop, sometimes even a passing stare while on a walk.
In those moments, I’ve observed many grown-ups doing one of two things: either they simply ignore the curious gaze, or they fidget uncomfortably. Sometimes, I’ll hear an adult tell the child that “it’s rude to stare.”
Those reactions are a missed opportunity.
What if – and bear with me – you stared back?
Go on, give it a try the next time you catch a child openly staring at you.
Children take the world in first through their eyes, and then their touch, and then, often, their taste. Some of that can vary from one child to another, but sight is often the first connection they will make with their surroundings.
I remember being in a public bus with my sister and my niece when she was still in a stroller. I’d enjoy observing her take in her surroundings, and immediately seek out the eyes of whoever was willing to connect with her. Adult or child, catching someone’s eye was something this little girl actively sought out.
As soon as she’d connect with someone, an unspoken interaction would take place. Generally, women responded. They’d wave, smile, maybe make faces if they so chose. My niece would be quietly entertained for a few seconds or minutes before the grown-up would typically return to whatever else had taken their focus before, and go back to ignoring the little girl. The game would start all over again, my niece seeking that eye contact and the ensuing interaction with someone else.
She wanted to connect with the people around her.
Staring as a tool for connection.
A few years ago, there was an experiment in Germany that had locals spend five minutes staring a refugee in the eyes. A video documented the journey the two people would undergo in that span of time, their facial expression shifting from guarded, curious, timid, or uncertain, to open, amazed, shocked, and so incredibly full of love.
Eyes are the vehicle for almost insta-connection. That’s not to say that it is the only means for connection, some people struggling with eye contact due to neurological differences or sensory preferences. But when you can make eye contact, and when facing a child seemingly interested in making eye contact, do it.
The journey the individuals in the video undergo is spectacular to witness, and an experience I’ve been lucky enough to reproduce back in 2016.
The Oddness of Staring a Stranger in the Eyes.
I sat facing someone who’d been a stranger a mere two hours earlier. The timer started, and everyone in the group focused on their own staring partner, traversing their own emotional journey in the course of a few short minutes.
My partner was nervous and mildly uncomfortable. He was inquisitive, wondering what would happen from the experience, and he communicated all of this with his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to expect, wasn’t sure anything would even happen. As the seconds passed, our unspoken conversation moved forward. From nervous to curious, from curious to intrigued, from intrigued to interested, all the way to absolute vulnerability.
When the timer beeped and the bell rang the end of the staring exercise, my new friend and I hugged each other, just as the many people in the workshop did too. There was a relief, a liberation to speak again, one that started not with the usual small talk, but allowed us all to jump right into a much more intimate kind of connection, where trust reigns and we can expose our soft underbelly without fear of getting burned.
Five minutes of staring transformed the energy in the room from cautious interest to open trust.
If that’s what we experienced as curious-but-guarded adults, imagine what staring does for children.
Staring At People to Learn About Them.
When looking this topic up, the bulk of the articles I found discuss how to teach a child what is “appropriate.” We criticize their behavior and feel like they’re staring “because someone is different.”
And maybe that’s part of the reason they’re staring intently at someone. And maybe your own personal experience of having been stared down by too many people makes you uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that staring is bad.
In fact, a child staring can be the opening for a difficult discussion. Maybe later they’ll ask a grown-up about the person who looked different. Maybe they’ll be inspired by a stranger’s sense of fashion, or hair color, or tattoos, or height, or bag, or even how they’re holding themselves.
But more than anything, their staring is the means to connection. You’re uncomfortable with them staring you down? Stare back, and see what happens.
Staring as the Vehicle for Connection.
When I stare at kids, I have a conversation with my eyes. I’ll catch a child staring and hold their eyes with mine for however long they’re looking, or until I get distracted.
I’ll look away for a few seconds and then look back to them and grin. My favorite response is a shy look, a bashful smile, and often the end of our interaction. The child is satisfied, has been acknowledged, seen, and validated.
Children Want to Feel Seen, So See Them.
Build Intimacy Through The Gaze.
When I’m working with a child in the long-term, I need to curate my first meeting with them.
Especially when they’re younger and still non-verbal, staring is the most effective tool I have in my arsenal. Typically in the first few moments of meeting a new grown-up, they’re timid, hiding behind the legs or in the arms of a parent. If I want to build trust, I need to meet them at their level and their pace.
So, my first moment with a child involves meeting their eyes if they let me. I hold their gaze with my own smiling one as long as they’re comfortable doing so. Usually, it’s a back and forth. They look and then hide, and I then turn it into a game of peek-a-boo.
I can’t tell you how many parents have expressed amazement at how quickly their usually guarded child warmed up to me. And all it took was a few minutes of playing “catch their gaze.”
Let’s Normalize Children Staring.
As a firm believer in children’s ability to learn just about anything, I also believe adults as being the greatest hindrance to them using that ability fully.
We live in a world scared of everything and everyone, and we’re teaching children to be afraid. Every time an adult tells their child that staring is bad, rather than engage in what the child is staring at, they’re limiting a child’s access to both information and connection.
We all need a tribe. We all need connection. It starts in childhood, and often it starts with a stare.
If you want your child to connect, and if you want to build a genuine connection with children, use your gaze.
Give a try. See what magic happens.
